Inspiration from Yoga, Day 1 - Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance is a tough nut

Disclaimer: So I have tried to find humorous stories, or writing and poetry bits and so forth to post on my blog thus far. I literally have a draft email saved that is chock-full of ideas that I have not yet had time to flesh out. But something personal has been digging at me like a thorn in my side. So if you aren't for "personal" posts, best move along. And if you are, tighten your seatbelt, because here we go.

Lately I've been on quite the emotional roller coaster ride. Multiple family dramas and several serious medical issues, personal financial imbroglios, struggling with my chronic insomnia, going through a killer stress-related migraine, my lingering back pain flaring up from an auto accident 3 years ago, a bout with an intense self-esteem crash- the works... and with it has come a feeling of unsettling, of insecurity, and of deprecation of my sense of self-worth. My emotional reserves are drained, and my inherent self-criticism and perfectionist streak brought out their teeth and claws to tear me to straggly bits.

I read a quote somewhere to the effect that humans are the only animal capable of logically knowing what is good for them and still not doing it. I KNOW what makes me feel better, and yet somehow the pile of work waiting for me, or the alluring call of emails waiting to be read, or any number of other mundane tasks take up my time and instead of doing what fulfills me, I work at the computer until late, fall into bed to toss and turn, fitfully sleeping a few hours and rising, exhausted, to do it again, leaving my cup empty and nothing having refilled it.

So in the effort to engage in self care and to do things for myself that build me up and renew my emotional fortitude, last night I committed myself to once again taking up the 21-Day Yoga Challenge (which I've done before and I always feel amazing following doing it consistently!) I unrolled my yoga mat (purple, my favorite!) stepped on it, delighting in that slightly tacky feel and velcro-like sound as I positioned myself into Mountain Pose, hands pressed together in prayer position at my heart center. Instantly I started feeling the tension draining away through my toes in contact with the sticky mat. The deep calming breathing, methodically and gracefully moving through the poses that challenge me, yet center me. All other thoughts are pushed aside as I feel my body adapt in small changes to my balance, my muscles working together, my feet grounded into the floor below, my eyes stretching upwards, working within the limits of what my body can do. I find that if I let my thoughts wander from the present, even for a moment, that precarious balance is lost. Inherently, I am corrected by my own inner self back to a place of calmness, peaceful concentration and attunement to my body.

At the end of the practice, the instructor on the DVD asks you to complete the practice in the typical way - to lie down and rest in Savasana pose (also called Reclined Mountain, Relaxation Pose, or Corpse Pose depending on the instructor) and to really be present. To let all the tension go, relaxing each portion of your body, letting all the tightness melt away. He said to think of something you want to bring into your life. And to ASK for it. Immediately my thought was "self-acceptance."

I have been struggling with body image and feeling confident in my body since I was a teen. I am usually fairly active between all of my interests: horses, martial arts, yoga, bike riding, dog walks, etc... plus I took up running in my later-20's, I am renewing my status as a "gym bunny" (but with less cottontail, and certainly not in a matching outfit, sock, shoelaces, leggings, tank top and hairband... that's NOT me!) But there have been times in my life where I was more "sedentary" (aka in work-a-holic mode) and in a state of stressful unhappiness that resulted in me gaining weight.

I know about all the talk about loving yourself - the cliche that says you have to love yourself before you can love others. I know about society's pressure to be young, tan and beautiful (and with white teeth - however, I freely admit my obsession with my teeth... a LOT of money has gone into this mouth and I'm kinda obsessed with keeping them nice after braces, retainers, a Herbst appliance to pull my jaw forward, many visits with dentists and orthodontists, etc...etc...etc... So yes, I admit to being touchy about keeping my teeth nice.) I know about self-acceptance and that my self-worth is more than a number on a scale or a reflection in a mirror, I am MORE than a bustline, or the pants size I wear and my value is not based on the external but the internal. Intellectually, I understand all of that. After all, I was a Women's Studies major and wrote my senior thesis for the Honors College on the media and its effects on body image and self-esteem.

Also, in a much more personal circumstance which I am just now learning to open up and talk about, I've been through two different types of eating disorders, and watched my weight change and body shape form and re-form. I understand the struggle to lose weight, and I also understand having my own self-control because only I decide what actually goes into my mouth, regardless of whatever excuses I could make as to why I was making the food choices that I was at each point in my life - for good or for ill. I set a goal and I changed my life and I've been slowly seeing my clothing sizes change along with my body. It's been hard work, I haven't always been able to even talk about weight issues - including within my own family. My husband is my VERY best supporter and never comments on my weight, only offers unending love and support, and cooks me my turkey bacon, just the way I like it, on paper towels to absorb the grease. And although on some level I understand that with my current clothing sizes that I am NOT at all overweight, it is hard for me to see in myself what others see in me. For the first time in my life, I am working with a personal trainer, and honestly it's the best money I've ever spent. (Although the meeting with the head trainer telling me, in essence, that I should lose 10 lbs over the course of the training program I admit to a total self-esteem crash and I went home and cried!) But my individual trainer is very supportive, even if I feel as though I constantly disappoint her, she is amazing. She works around my injuries and tailors the workouts to my needs and abilities while constantly pushing me to do more than I ever thought possible. She never criticizes, and with her I have become such a more well-rounded person (Literally! HELLO BICEPS!)

Even with my hours of martial arts, horses and all the activity that goes along with them, running races (including my first half-marathon last summer) and me thinking that I'm doing enough with lifting weights on my own, I won't work so hard, nor so thoroughly or effectively as with my trainer. The numbers are changing. People are commenting how I look. I try to be polite and thank them and smile without seeming fake or insincere, or worse, arrogant or conceited in any way. I realize they are giving me a compliment and I try to accept it graciously.

But when I look in the mirror all I see are my flaws. I see the tired, sleep-deprived eyes, the newly-found bits of cellulite under my aging skin, the thighs that I feel terribly self-conscious about, the tracery of wrinkles forming at the edges of my eyes, and my roots with the gray hairs gleaming like unwanted treasures, shot through with silver. I have come to realize that I don't see what other people see (called dysmorphia) wherein my body image of myself is completely different than what my appearance actually is. (Not clinically diagnosed, mind you.)

Several times I've had flashes of maybe what others see when they look at me. On a shopping trip with a supportive female friend who is aware of my issues, helping me pick out correct clothing sizes (I always seem to get too big if I don't have help) and I will find an outfit that is particularly flattering and think for a little while that I look nice in it. I realize my other attributes: I'm fairly smart, I can oftentimes be witty, I have a contagious laugh (even my husband has gotten over being embarrassed by its exuberant boisterousness!) and I am typically a fairly positive person. So it's not as though I find all parts of me to be lacking.

Or sometimes I'll see a picture of me and think - hey, that one's not too bad, I look sorta fit! Or I'm finally not embarrassed about how my arms look in all of my pictures. (My thighs I'm working on still, that's a hard one.) But usually this intense loathing and self-criticism is right at the forefront and I can't see through it or past it. I am being healthy, I am eating well, drinking protein shakes, most times fending off my sweet tooth and cravings for ice cream (the bane of my existence!) and making good choices. But for people who don't understand and just brush off when I say that I am struggling with it, or think that I'm just being vain (except about my teeth...because I will concede to that one), they don't understand. I'm not attention-seeking, I'm not digging for compliments, I am genuinely trying to find a way to be happy with who I am. And I am struggling.

So when that gong sounded in my mind during yoga that what I wanted most in my practice was to find self-acceptance, it really reverberated within me. I want to release my jealousy of all the other people that I see that I find so much more fit, trim, run faster, kick higher, and look better in a string bikini than I do. I want to continue to work hard, but within the boundaries of what is possible for my body. I'll never be a 6" tall ballerina with twigs for legs. I have strong, muscular horse-riding, board-breaking, racing and bike riding legs. But to feel at home within my skin, and maybe one day see the ME inside and be happy with the face looking back at me from my mirror. It is my personal quest for self-acceptance.