Vacillating - The Yo-Yo's of Perception

Hello my Blog-o-philes!

First, GO READ THIS:  (I'll wait! It's worth it!)
http://paranoidstayathomemom.blogspot.com/2012/08/a-letter-to-my-daughter-about-beauty.html

 This is so profoundly beautiful, gives me hope, and makes me want to cry at the same time.

Here I am, an educated woman, who majored in Women's Studies, wrote my senior thesis on media's influences on self-esteem, railed against our advertising, movies, celebrities and more all painting an unrealistic and unhealthy picture that is, in essence, unattainable for most women.

Even with a healthy, toned body, good eating, and proper care of ourselves, realistically speaking, most women will never be a size zero waist and DD cup size. We have created an idealization that diminishes the beauty, the uniqueness, and the identity of our young women, (and not-so-young women.) A place where judging other's appearances carries far more weight than actually getting to know them. We've been sucked into this idealization of this goddess known as Aphrodite where our sex appeal counts more than our personality, skills, abilities and talents.

And I am somehow a part of it. I have succumbed. I want the white teeth, thick flowing locks gleaming of health (without grays, of course!) and the tanned perfectly blemish and wrinkle-free skin. (Mind you, I don't HAVE that perfection, but I WANT it!) We idolize the look of girls in their teens and perhaps 20s and try, through cosmetics, injecting toxins into our wrinkles, undergoing plastic surgery, pounding away endless hours at the gym and even wriggling into spandex underthings to obtain this "ideal."

But who is really behind it all?

Is it really women competing for the attention of males? I know for a fact that my husband likes me better without a stitch of makeup on. (I know because he says so! And often enough that I believe him!)

Is it women trying to out-do other women? If so, wouldn't us happily married women somehow become exempt?

Is it us striving for perfection in ourselves against a media-supported, socially-accepted ideal? Maybe. Perhaps a combination of all of the above.

I look in the mirror and can always find something I am dissatisfied with. I hear young girls bemoaning their "baby fat", teenagers sticking to strict diets, women despairing over bulges, scars, stretch marks and wrinkles. Most women feel WORSE about themselves after reading magazines targeted specifically to them than they do feeling better given the endless advice columns, beauty tips and fitness pointers. But as the adage goes, beauty is only skin deep. Eventually we all age. Our hair fades. We won't stay twenty forever. Or thirty. Or fifty. And what is that so unacceptable to us?

Why are society's comments about women primarily based on appearance? When we hear "Oh, she's so good at math!" how does that become perceived as a flaw in her looks - as if that's the only compliment that a woman could receive? Why ARE our girls failing on a nation-wide level at sciences and math? (Myself included in that category! I admit to using a tip calculator at restaurants, and my theory is that if it's a percent off sale, then it's cheaper and I NEED it. Ha!)

I think it's is because we females are somehow expected - and it is socially accepted - for us to fail at those things. Women who become skilled scientists, technicians, mechanics and brain surgeons are still the minority, and looked at as somehow being "outliers" in the social makeup. Of course there are brilliant female engineers, scientists, mathematicians, doctors, physicists, astronomers, VP's, CEO's and owners of major corporations that shatter these perceptions, but this certainly is nowhere near the norm.

Of course there are companies fighting back against this impossible ideal of beauty. For example, Dove's campaign aimed at picturing "real women" and how we all really look, big thighs, imperfect skin and all. There are more plus-size models and they are gaining acceptance. There are stores that cater to larger sized individuals, sure.

But why are supermodel careers pretty much over once they are out of their mid 20s?  Because we hold to a youthful ideal. Because we haven't embraced the older woman (though often older men are seen as "distinguished and sophisticated.")

And how many Victoria's Secret undergarments are sold based on their advertising versus Dove bars of soap based on the appeal of their ad campaigns? I think a lot more bras and panties are winning the sexy wars, no matter HOW nice your skin might feel without being stripped of all its natural oils. Just sayin'...

Why is it still more socially acceptable to be commended for your beauty than your smarts?

Right now there is a big cultural whiplash for the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch who publicly stated that their brand was not for the overweight and uncool kids, and they wouldn't carry larger sizes. In the spotlight, scrutiny is on for this kind of discriminatory prejudice, but obviously not enough attention is paid to the source of the problem in the first place. There will always be a whole variety of sizes, shapes and skin textures.

My mother and my best friend have both (kindly) scolded me in the last several weeks for saying self-deprecating things, and wondering how I could NOT see myself as beautiful and talented. I promise you, I WISH that I wouldn't pick myself apart for every slip in conversation, for every compliment I deflect instead of accept, and no, I'm not doing it for attention. It's deeply personal, and still hard to write about for anyone to read. But I feel if I can stretch a thread of hope to someone else, maybe someone will read my words who is struggling with their own battle. Maybe an anorexic, bulimic or compulsive eater will find help. Maybe a young girl will realize that she needs to talk to someone. Maybe one day I will look in the mirror and simply smile. I am working on it.

And let's be clear - taking care of your body is paramount. Just because people come in many sizes, I'm not advocating that everyone leave the gyms in mass swarms. For me, it's my solace, it's my "me" time, it's my time to focus solely on myself, my health, and my fitness. And if looking at my form while lifting weights in the mirror is becoming easier the more I do it, then good for me! But my question remains, WHY is it so hard for me to look in the mirror and find something good about myself in the first place?

Sure, I may have worked long and hard to lose the pounds I put on in a stressful job and my former unhappy relationship (my husband, however, is the greatest gift to my self esteem!) Yes, I may have a perfectionist streak that wants to do well and succeed at everything, and sure, outside influences may have shaped my external perceptions of myself  But with this self-knowledge, with this awareness of the cultural "beauty bubble" that I am herded into, why is there this underlying disbelief in the inability to just accept who we are?

Why is it so hard to just accept a compliment and let it be. Why do I feel the need to belittle myself in a mockery of everything that I have accomplished? Who is driving this striving for ultimate perfection?

There will ALWAYS be someone stronger, faster, skinnier and prettier than I am. And on the flip side, maybe that girl on the stationary bike in the corner was watching as I did my first-ever unassisted chin-ups and high-fived my trainer ecstatically, and maybe she wanted to be me. It's an odd thought for me to think that anyone would look up to ME. Little old me, with my flaws, my imperfections, and my misguided perceptions. When I think of how far I've come from post-car crash, when even getting dressed or putting on my shoes required all my endurance, teeth-gritting and frustrated efforts, I am inclined to enormous gratitude. I give thanks every single day for a back that bends, for a neck that turns, and for fewer headaches.

This weekend I ran a personal best that absolutely annihilated my prior race times. I placed FIRST in my age group and FOURTH in the overall race (an all-women's race.) I was ELATED! I was proud of my accomplishment, and I am riding the high (still!) from such an achievement! For the first time ever, I posted my run times (and photos of the listings) to Facebook. I AM SO PROUD OF ME!

But in my criticism and being uncomfortable inside my own skin, I do know that I'm not alone. I watch the women around me who doubt themselves. Who want to be taller, to be shorter. To have curly hair, to have straight hair, have blonde hair, red or brunette.. Who want to have rounder butts, or smaller butts, or leaner thighs or bigger boobs or smaller ones. The women who face this same self-doubt that stares back at me, and in my eyes, they are all beautiful. I would never let anyone bully them, but when it comes to myself, I can't seem to do anything right, and even external criticism feels crushing on top of the litany I create for myself. I watch my friends who go through eating disorders, who binge and then feel guilty, the ones who starve themselves for days in order to fit into that little dress. The ones who count every calorie, and punish themselves on the treadmill for hours afterward for imagined transgressions against that total.

I feel for them, even as I analyze it from the outside.

I am an actor. I laugh, smile, and stand up straighter. I have "self-esteem days" where I make an extra effort to look nice, even if just for myself. I figure if I just keep faking it, one day maybe I can look at that reflection, and from the baby step of acknowledging that I have nice shoulders while doing bicep curls, or even that passing glimpse of my legs in a skirt (yay summer!) and thinking "Hey, those are nice legs!" And that moment of recognition where I realize "Hey! Those are MY legs!" might become the norm instead of the "outlier." So I have a message to everyone, regardless of your gender, your weight or height, the balance of your bank account or your shoe size:

Be your own kind of beautiful. You ARE beautiful, just the way you are!