I am intensely competitive. Fiercely and thoroughly and completely competitive... with myself.
It somehow doesn't manifest itself in wanting to beat other people (though I do realize the paradox inherent in that statement as in order to win, others must, therefore, lose...) but more of it is sheer competition with myself. To do better, to run faster, to accomplish more, to get that promotion, to win the blue, or the gold, or the trophy. But even if I'm not the fastest runner winning the race, it doesn't discourage me as I still want to run a new personal record. I want to be better each time than I was before. I want to see improvement in all ways and in all challenges in my life.
An admirable goal, but sometimes unrealistic. I have injuries that I have to be mindful of, and each day is a different day with a different set of challenges.
Tonight stepping on the yoga mat to do my 2nd day of the 21 Day Yoga Challenge, I was already sore from working out hard the past several days and leaping back into my yoga full-force after far too long a hiatus from my lovely purple yoga mat. My hips and shoulders were particularly tight tonight, and poses that I normally flow through I had to really work at. My wide-legged forward bend wasn't nearly as wide as usual, and my pigeon pose was squawkingly tight through my overtly protesting hips. I had a moment of fleeting irritation with myself - "I could do this so much better before, this has always been one of my best poses, why can't I twist any farther!" I thought angrily to myself, getting ready to ride that dark horse of perfectionism into the dust. But yesterday when I stepped onto my mat I wasn't as sore. Today is a different day. I have new challenges to face, I have to be gentle with my limitations and know that my body will change. Gradually. Sometimes excruciatingly so. But tomorrow will be an entirely new practice, a new day, a new opportunity to grow.
Sometimes I have to take the role of being a mentor even with myself. I am so good at punishment, at whipping out that cat-o-nine-tails and self-flagellating. Nothing I ever do (save marrying my amazing husband!) is ever good enough for me. I second-guess my decisions. I play Devil's Advocate. I vacillate. I punish myself for every misspoken word, each slower finish time, each bad ride with my horse. This drive to perfection is great for motivation to succeed, but is absolutely devastating to my sense of self-worth and personal accomplishment.
I have to back up and ask myself some questions about being kind. Would I ever talk to a student of mine that way? Never! Would I ever criticize another struggling with a pose, belittle them, or point out all their flaws mercilessly? Inconceivable! So why, oh why, am I so very hard on myself?
Tonight was an opportunity to let that all internal criticism pass me by. I settled into Pidgeon Pose, exhaling and feeling each moment as my body gave way into the pose. Slowly, so slowly, my hip flexors relaxed, and gradually my forehead found its way down to the mat. My positioning tonight may not have been perfect, my legs may have been a bit more shaky in my balancing poses than normal, but I did it. I didn't give up, I didn't stop trying. I earned my moments of perfect peace and relaxation in Savasana Pose at the end of my practice. And I am truly grateful.
...and am rewarding myself with a small mug of hot chocolate and a few mini marshmallows.
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