I
have limited dexterity. Truly. I am so prone to random accidents and
unbelievably strange incidents that I've become great friends with my
optometrist (even having his cell number saved in my phone for
emergencies!) and the entire chiropractic
staff at two different
clinics knows me by name when I walk in the door, asking about my
hobbies, my family and my most recent injury bringing me in their door... again.
Also, my dentist and I are on a first-name basis (along with the
marvelous dental hygienist mentioned in my first post "Welcome
Blog-o-philes") and it's almost become comic how many times I've had my
chipped front teeth fixed. Including one incident involving my knee, a
too-squishy couch and a Smirnoff Raz bottle ONE WEEK after having the
OTHER front tooth fixed (from tearing a tag out of clothing with my
front teeth that had one of those little plastic strands - they are
tougher than they look!) and then a week later coming back in for the
other front tooth that I chipped on the bottle. He actually started laughing! But just because I lived in a northernmost state I refused to look like a deranged redneck missing part of my front tooth. Either one of them!
I tripped over a pair of shoes by the door and rolled my ankle over, crashing it full-force onto hardwood, actually dislocating a bone in my foot that a chiropractor had to put back in (yes, just one of MANY things I have gone to see him for) and I've sprained an ankle stepping off a curb onto a rock that rolled, then had to drag myself out to the barn (since I didn't have a vehicle or even my bike at that point.... but it did help me meet one of my very bestest friends and the Matron of Honor in my wedding as her parents thankfully pulled over and offered me a ride!) Before that ankle had fully healed, it gave way while I was rushing down the stairs and I went tail-over-teakettle down a half flight of them in a college dorm with many, many, many onlookers (who were laughing and no one helping me!) I ended up with such a bad sprain by the time I made it out to the barn, (this time no ride was available) the bottom of my foot was black with congealing blood and I had a green streak already forming up the outside of my leg most of the way to my knee! I've been bucked off horses, taken jumps sans horse, popped my hips out of their sockets landing still in some version of 2 point over the fence but without a horse beneath me. (Thankfully they popped back in when I pushed over onto my side and hit the sand!) I've dislocated my shoulder 3 times I know of, my kneecap several times (and put it back in myself), torn a hamstring, pulled butt muscles (after laughing at my mom for pulling hers while skiing Karma promptly paid me back and I pulled mine the following day!) I have walked into street signs while talking to a friend, slipped on frost-slick concrete in a barn and did a soft-tissue injury to a kidney falling against a stall latch, I've ripped my big toenail up dragging a box with my brother in it OVER the top of my toe and lifting the entire nail away from the bed. Of course, I've had the standard growing-up injuries: skinned knees, scraped elbows, and of course, throwing a dart into my brother's foot (but more on that in a future post.) I've gone over the handlebars of my mountain bike and sprained two fingers (even now they lean a bit left, it seems to me....)
I've gotten a concussion getting kicked in the eye in a TKD tournament, been briefly knocked out in a sparring match years later (of COURSE the one I encouraged my mom to come see!) and I've wiped out on painted concrete floors doing high kicks and bounced my head off the floor. I've had horses come up on me and had to bail off, my mare did a somersault without me, thankfully, that ripped up my knee pretty thoroughly. I've had my knee bashed into trees, and once in Wyoming I was bucked off into a wall (left a pretty dirt smudge that the fellow equestrians outlined in chalk and labelled with my name) and had to get my elbow x-rayed to be sure it wasn't broken. Thankfully, it wasn't, but it did stay black and blue for the better part of 3 months! Also, I'm pretty sure my horse Kelly broke my finger bone while I was loading him into a horse trailer and a car backfired and he shot backwards, the lead line smacking my hand into the rim of the trailer so hard that a month later at graduation I was worried how hard they'd shake it while handing me my diploma. (I did learn, however, NOT to tie a knot in the end of your leadrope by that experience!) I've had the skin zipped off by a lead line being jerked backwards through my hands from a mare named RazzleDazzle that wouldn't load in aptly named Indian Ridge as darkness was approaching (one section of my palm has a permanent scar where the little lines won't grow back, though you'd have to know where you were looking to see it...)
I caught a
firework cartridge in my eye (while on a covered porch, holding a camera, taking pictures through the viewfinder using the OTHER eye) and that incident happened not even 3 full months after whacking
myself in the other eyeball with a fob on an elastic on my jacket
(involving steroids for the inflammation, eye-dilating drops that made me resemble Marilyn
Manson for about a month, having to make frequent early-morning visits
to the eye doc and getting my eye stained with yellow dye, sleeping on an elevated set of pillows, and not getting
to put my head lower than my heart for 6 FULL months due to risk of
detaching my retina due to excessive intraocular pressure and danger of subsequently going blind). I've broken a toe by dropping a
plate of delicious stir-fry (edge first) onto it while on the phone with my
mother. I have sprained the base of my big toe repeatedly, jammed fingers, had my thumb kicked in a ferocious game of Gladiator and it wouldn't bend right for about a month.... and I gave
myself rug burn catching one foot in the pantleg of the other (damnable
wide-leg fashion anyway) and falling face-down into the carpet in the
hallway, running full-tilt, chasing a boy.... of course. I have bashed
my head into cabinets so frequently that I've become SUPER twitchy about
having them open. I used the beanbag as a sled to slide down our couch, however having only a basic understanding of the concepts of inertia and momentum, propelled myself directly into the sharp edge of the entertainment center embedding the corner right into the hairline of my forehead. (the small indentation is still there if you run your fingers across it, but I would appreciate if you didn't.) I have regrettably been in two car wrecks, one major one from three(ish) years back that still affects
me, (particularly impacting my balance - causing me to randomly go kittywompus
into a doorframe or other object). I end up experiencing totally random
and ridiculous accidents so often it's becoming a source of bemusement to those around me.
Seriously.
I'm so routinely clumsy that it's bordering on ridiculous. I fall UP
the stairs. I roll my ankles so frequently that I've given up wearing
Danskos because even the level difference between linoleum and low carpet can set off a good turnover. I am neurotic about closing cabinet doors. I've learned the hard way that if you have to brake hard, to engage your REAR brakes first before your front ones on your mountain bike. I concentrate while wearing high heels. Thankfully I actually WORK on training my body for balance, coordination and muscle control. Can you imagine how dangerous I might be if I DIDN'T actively train myself to improve through riding horses, practicing martial arts and hitting the gym?
And in yet another Super-Klutz-Fairy-strikes-again moment, just
this past weekend I managed to BREAK my toe... at a black belt test...
as a spectator.... on the bench which I was spectating from. Totally serious.
:\ I leapt up to run to hug my friend Kim, cracked my foot
into the base of the heavy wooden bleachers and split my pinky toe away
from the rest. Four days later it's still swollen, painful, I'm limping
(though I TRY not to) and I can only get ONE pair of shoes on, and not
comfortably. I've discovered Autumn in this farther southern climate is
nice, but not quite nice enough for sandals, I'm afraid. MY POOR TOE! And just to be sure it hurt enough, yesterday I smacked it into the wheels on the base of my office chair. Just to be certain it was painful enough. (In my own defense, I was watching to be sure I didn't spill coffee onto my keyboard having used the very last of the creamer and overfilling it slightly! Waste not, want not has its consequences, apparently.)
So
hobbling, toe throbbing (if you touch it I swear I will punch you in the
face! DON'T EVEN LOOK AT IT!) I managed to wobble on into the gym tonight
to swim some laps (since yoga, lunges, pushups, squats or any potential toe-bending exercise really being out
of the question since getting merely up and down the stairs requires some
careful footwork and maneuvering!) I got into my swimsuit to go shower and enter the pool.
Well, don't ask me why tonight of all nights every young man in a 25
mile radius decided to soak in the hot tub, swim laps in the pool or
needed to be in the steam room.... So with all the dignity one can muster,
soaking wet from the shower, hair slicked back, no makeup on, in a
swimsuit revealing every bit of oneself that is normally reserved for
those nearest and dearest, I summoned my dignity and hobbled out to the
pool's edge to carefully (VERY CAREFULLY!) climb down the ladder into the slightly chilly water.
Thankfully, once in the water and swimming laps, the only sound I could
hear was the lapping of the waves against the edge and the rhythm of my breathing. Until I
had to get out again.
Painful memories of exactly WHY I chose to do the
stationary bike and rowing machine instead of swimming in high school followed me like so many of those
young men's eyes as me and my poor purple toe stumbled over into the hot tub. Thankfully, I had the excuse of the hot water causing the reddening in my cheeks covering up my embarrassment and
me silently hoping the limping wasn't setting my fat a-jiggle. Thankfully no one
disturbed me, and I could marinate myself in the bath of chlorine and
jet-sprayed water until closing time, wrapped in my
towel to the women's locker room, giving a faint nod to the scads of
boys still perched on the edges of the hot tub as me, my dignity and one
very inflamed pinky toe made our way out of the gym and into the temperate
November evening.
If anyone else wants to borrow the Super Klutz Fairy, you can have her! I'm done now! Though if you find the Cleaning and Money Fairies, I'll happily keep them for a while!
-TTFN!
Sirens Echo
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