Adventures in home waxing!

Today's episode brought to you by... Adventures in home waxing!

So I've read the horror stories of folks attempting waxing and having horrible experiences. I've watched 40 Year Old Virgin and saw Steve Carell and his bleeding patch of chest hair he had ripped out during actual live filming (no Hollywood SFX there!) I've heard my brother-in-law who personally told me that he experienced ONE strip of leg waxing and will never under any circumstances subject himself to it again.

Steve Carrel - yes that's actually blood.

But I've also been swayed by the experiences of my friends who LOVE waxing and have had such great experiences that they hardly even had to touch their razors for weeks on end, except to get the errant missed ones here and there. Plus, they assured me, the more you do it, the fewer and finer the hairs that return. It just gets BETTER AND BETTER! Finally, that allure of weeks of stubble-free smoothness and their glowing reviews lured me in, and I bought a package of home wax strips at WalMart. Seemed like such a deal - 20 strips for under $7 - how could I lose!!! I evaluated the options available, read the backs of the boxes thoroughly, and settled on a box tagged "For Normal Skin" (apparently my first mistake, as my sister-in-law informed me that Sensitive Skin ones would've been the better way to go.)

However, I have also heard the adages that "Beauty comes at a cost" and "Pain is Beauty." Hrm. Regardless of this conventional wisdom, in my desire for desperately sexy and unbelievably smooth legs and the promise of leaving my razor resting comfortably in its cradle in my shower, undisturbed for weeks on end, I decided today was the day. I hadn't shaved in days, and was feeling particularly brave. Or foolhardy. Perhaps both.

Coming out of a shower thinking that my hair follicles in my skin would be somehow loosened from the hot water and properly prepped for hair extraction, I carefully read and re-read the box to be certain I fully understood the instructions in their entirety. However, also following instruction, I was QUITE sure that the skin was dry, free of lotions or other wax-defying substances. And, to point, I DID follow the instructions and try it out on my leg first, being a waxing novice.  Steeling myself and in Bandaid-fashion, only Flash or Sonic could've moved faster as I ripped opposite the direction of growth. Not bad at all! I've had fabric strip Band-Aids that hurt worse than that!

I looked down at the green wax coating the strip, and squinted incredulously. Apparently I'm not Sasquatch-ey enough yet and the strip pulled possibly two, perhaps three tiny hairs from my calf (which, as mentioned, I've purposefully not shaved for several days now). But having the re-useable wax strip ready to go, (just fold over, re-warm by rubbing vigorously between hands and apply to a new section of skin) and no other options if it wasn't going to extract my obviously-too-short leg hair, I got adventurous and I moved a bit farther northwards to the only other area that had slightly longer hair.... pulled the skin taut, and......

OMG hairy flying buffalo nuggets mother of mercy holy hellfire jesusmaryandjoseph....... YYYYYEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!

Incredulously, I stared down at the strip that had possibly 12 little hairs stuck to it and my reddened, bleeding tender inner thigh/bikini line. You've got to be KIDDING me?!?! THAT much pain for so slight a reward?

Determined to not be defeated by a tiny strip of wax, I re-warmed it for another go, rubbing that strip vigorously and perhaps a touch violently between my hands for all I was worth, re-applied, smoothed down, braced and RRRRIIIIPP!!! Possibly 2 more hairs loosened themselves from their death grips and a few more speckled spots of blood from my tortured hair follicles came out on the wax strip. I gritted my teeth and told myself that I was a winner.... I would defy my reddened tender skin and try again.

RRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPPP! Holy mother of mercy give me strength. Again. One more hair let loose its grip, possibly... Perhaps not. By now my eyes were blurring. I applied it again, and again...... I think this wax strip is used up. I glared down at lobster-esque skin, bleeding little bits of self and globs of green wax stuck all over whatever (most all) the hairs that remained, obstinately defying my best efforts to extract them. The wax strip had defeated me. I folded the strip over, deposited in the trash and surveilled the damages. I unfolded the little wipes they include to remove the remaining wax, but how the HECK do you get the rest of the residue off anyway? Those little wipes they put in the box did NOT cut it. So now I'm bleeding AND sticky?! Not sure I'm won over in the slightest to this method of being sleek as a newborn. Approximately 27 hairs fewer and down only and ounce or two of blood lost, I swear.......

I gingerly dressed for Sunday dinner, praying that I would not attach myself via green wax to my underclothes (it's like having an entire extra wax strip using your own washable removal device) and trying to disguise the fact I was walking as carefully as a fawn over autumn leaves in mountain lion territory (which is to say, quite gingerly!)

My brain's trivia repository has retained knowledge somehow that the Mohican Indians had to earn their mohawks by enduring having their hairs plucked out of their head one by one. This was their test of masculinity and manhood, and a visible sign that their mohawks were earned by their toughness, endurance and ability to withstand the pain. I'm pretty sure that process ranks slightly below the self-inflicted torture I just endured. I think I'd RATHER pluck each individual bikini line hair with a pair of tweezers, suffering for hours than one quick rip that left me bleeding, wax-covered and still semi-hirsute.

But now what to do with the other 19 strips left in the box????

Post-script: Apparently in my pain-induced blurry vision, I failed to read the labeling on the wipes correctly. There are TWO distinct wipes in the box (a fact despite my repeated box reading that my brain failed to comprehend) ONE is for a skin-relaxing wipe, the OTHER for removing the wax. I have no idea the previous wipe's potencey for relaxing the skin as I applied it AFTER ripping myself bloody, but the latter which did, in fact, work, gets a shaky thumbs-up accompanied by a burning sensation to the much-abused and notably tender skin along my bikini line, but thankfully now wax-residue free.

Post-post-script: following removing the glommed-on wax (and thankfully not adhering myself to my undergarments), in addition to actually bleeding, I also appear to have broken capillaries under my skin... Yep. Seriously. Thinking I'm still going to be a razor girl. Sorry my love, I guess I'm just going to be the old-fashioned shaving kinda gal whereby getting goosebumps equals me turning into a baby porcupine. The alternative seems tougher than even this ninja can bear. :(

Thanks for the photo goes to smokinhotbooks.com