Vacillating - The Yo-Yo's of Perception

Hello my Blog-o-philes!

First, GO READ THIS:  (I'll wait! It's worth it!)
http://paranoidstayathomemom.blogspot.com/2012/08/a-letter-to-my-daughter-about-beauty.html

 This is so profoundly beautiful, gives me hope, and makes me want to cry at the same time.

Here I am, an educated woman, who majored in Women's Studies, wrote my senior thesis on media's influences on self-esteem, railed against our advertising, movies, celebrities and more all painting an unrealistic and unhealthy picture that is, in essence, unattainable for most women.

Even with a healthy, toned body, good eating, and proper care of ourselves, realistically speaking, most women will never be a size zero waist and DD cup size. We have created an idealization that diminishes the beauty, the uniqueness, and the identity of our young women, (and not-so-young women.) A place where judging other's appearances carries far more weight than actually getting to know them. We've been sucked into this idealization of this goddess known as Aphrodite where our sex appeal counts more than our personality, skills, abilities and talents.

And I am somehow a part of it. I have succumbed. I want the white teeth, thick flowing locks gleaming of health (without grays, of course!) and the tanned perfectly blemish and wrinkle-free skin. (Mind you, I don't HAVE that perfection, but I WANT it!) We idolize the look of girls in their teens and perhaps 20s and try, through cosmetics, injecting toxins into our wrinkles, undergoing plastic surgery, pounding away endless hours at the gym and even wriggling into spandex underthings to obtain this "ideal."

But who is really behind it all?

Is it really women competing for the attention of males? I know for a fact that my husband likes me better without a stitch of makeup on. (I know because he says so! And often enough that I believe him!)

Is it women trying to out-do other women? If so, wouldn't us happily married women somehow become exempt?

Is it us striving for perfection in ourselves against a media-supported, socially-accepted ideal? Maybe. Perhaps a combination of all of the above.

I look in the mirror and can always find something I am dissatisfied with. I hear young girls bemoaning their "baby fat", teenagers sticking to strict diets, women despairing over bulges, scars, stretch marks and wrinkles. Most women feel WORSE about themselves after reading magazines targeted specifically to them than they do feeling better given the endless advice columns, beauty tips and fitness pointers. But as the adage goes, beauty is only skin deep. Eventually we all age. Our hair fades. We won't stay twenty forever. Or thirty. Or fifty. And what is that so unacceptable to us?

Why are society's comments about women primarily based on appearance? When we hear "Oh, she's so good at math!" how does that become perceived as a flaw in her looks - as if that's the only compliment that a woman could receive? Why ARE our girls failing on a nation-wide level at sciences and math? (Myself included in that category! I admit to using a tip calculator at restaurants, and my theory is that if it's a percent off sale, then it's cheaper and I NEED it. Ha!)

I think it's is because we females are somehow expected - and it is socially accepted - for us to fail at those things. Women who become skilled scientists, technicians, mechanics and brain surgeons are still the minority, and looked at as somehow being "outliers" in the social makeup. Of course there are brilliant female engineers, scientists, mathematicians, doctors, physicists, astronomers, VP's, CEO's and owners of major corporations that shatter these perceptions, but this certainly is nowhere near the norm.

Of course there are companies fighting back against this impossible ideal of beauty. For example, Dove's campaign aimed at picturing "real women" and how we all really look, big thighs, imperfect skin and all. There are more plus-size models and they are gaining acceptance. There are stores that cater to larger sized individuals, sure.

But why are supermodel careers pretty much over once they are out of their mid 20s?  Because we hold to a youthful ideal. Because we haven't embraced the older woman (though often older men are seen as "distinguished and sophisticated.")

And how many Victoria's Secret undergarments are sold based on their advertising versus Dove bars of soap based on the appeal of their ad campaigns? I think a lot more bras and panties are winning the sexy wars, no matter HOW nice your skin might feel without being stripped of all its natural oils. Just sayin'...

Why is it still more socially acceptable to be commended for your beauty than your smarts?

Right now there is a big cultural whiplash for the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch who publicly stated that their brand was not for the overweight and uncool kids, and they wouldn't carry larger sizes. In the spotlight, scrutiny is on for this kind of discriminatory prejudice, but obviously not enough attention is paid to the source of the problem in the first place. There will always be a whole variety of sizes, shapes and skin textures.

My mother and my best friend have both (kindly) scolded me in the last several weeks for saying self-deprecating things, and wondering how I could NOT see myself as beautiful and talented. I promise you, I WISH that I wouldn't pick myself apart for every slip in conversation, for every compliment I deflect instead of accept, and no, I'm not doing it for attention. It's deeply personal, and still hard to write about for anyone to read. But I feel if I can stretch a thread of hope to someone else, maybe someone will read my words who is struggling with their own battle. Maybe an anorexic, bulimic or compulsive eater will find help. Maybe a young girl will realize that she needs to talk to someone. Maybe one day I will look in the mirror and simply smile. I am working on it.

And let's be clear - taking care of your body is paramount. Just because people come in many sizes, I'm not advocating that everyone leave the gyms in mass swarms. For me, it's my solace, it's my "me" time, it's my time to focus solely on myself, my health, and my fitness. And if looking at my form while lifting weights in the mirror is becoming easier the more I do it, then good for me! But my question remains, WHY is it so hard for me to look in the mirror and find something good about myself in the first place?

Sure, I may have worked long and hard to lose the pounds I put on in a stressful job and my former unhappy relationship (my husband, however, is the greatest gift to my self esteem!) Yes, I may have a perfectionist streak that wants to do well and succeed at everything, and sure, outside influences may have shaped my external perceptions of myself  But with this self-knowledge, with this awareness of the cultural "beauty bubble" that I am herded into, why is there this underlying disbelief in the inability to just accept who we are?

Why is it so hard to just accept a compliment and let it be. Why do I feel the need to belittle myself in a mockery of everything that I have accomplished? Who is driving this striving for ultimate perfection?

There will ALWAYS be someone stronger, faster, skinnier and prettier than I am. And on the flip side, maybe that girl on the stationary bike in the corner was watching as I did my first-ever unassisted chin-ups and high-fived my trainer ecstatically, and maybe she wanted to be me. It's an odd thought for me to think that anyone would look up to ME. Little old me, with my flaws, my imperfections, and my misguided perceptions. When I think of how far I've come from post-car crash, when even getting dressed or putting on my shoes required all my endurance, teeth-gritting and frustrated efforts, I am inclined to enormous gratitude. I give thanks every single day for a back that bends, for a neck that turns, and for fewer headaches.

This weekend I ran a personal best that absolutely annihilated my prior race times. I placed FIRST in my age group and FOURTH in the overall race (an all-women's race.) I was ELATED! I was proud of my accomplishment, and I am riding the high (still!) from such an achievement! For the first time ever, I posted my run times (and photos of the listings) to Facebook. I AM SO PROUD OF ME!

But in my criticism and being uncomfortable inside my own skin, I do know that I'm not alone. I watch the women around me who doubt themselves. Who want to be taller, to be shorter. To have curly hair, to have straight hair, have blonde hair, red or brunette.. Who want to have rounder butts, or smaller butts, or leaner thighs or bigger boobs or smaller ones. The women who face this same self-doubt that stares back at me, and in my eyes, they are all beautiful. I would never let anyone bully them, but when it comes to myself, I can't seem to do anything right, and even external criticism feels crushing on top of the litany I create for myself. I watch my friends who go through eating disorders, who binge and then feel guilty, the ones who starve themselves for days in order to fit into that little dress. The ones who count every calorie, and punish themselves on the treadmill for hours afterward for imagined transgressions against that total.

I feel for them, even as I analyze it from the outside.

I am an actor. I laugh, smile, and stand up straighter. I have "self-esteem days" where I make an extra effort to look nice, even if just for myself. I figure if I just keep faking it, one day maybe I can look at that reflection, and from the baby step of acknowledging that I have nice shoulders while doing bicep curls, or even that passing glimpse of my legs in a skirt (yay summer!) and thinking "Hey, those are nice legs!" And that moment of recognition where I realize "Hey! Those are MY legs!" might become the norm instead of the "outlier." So I have a message to everyone, regardless of your gender, your weight or height, the balance of your bank account or your shoe size:

Be your own kind of beautiful. You ARE beautiful, just the way you are!

Lewis & Clark Caverns - Not-Quite-the-World-Traveler - Discover places I love!

Lewis & Clark Caverns - Not-Quite-the-World-Traveler Review- Discover places I love!

http://mw2.google.com/mw-panoramio/photos/medium/41900237.jpg

Lewis & Clark Caverns, located off the Jefferson River in Montana's first state park!

http://www.uptake.com

Has spelunking captured your interest, but you're not quite ready to tackle a big cave with a climbing harness, belay line, miner's light and carbon monoxide detectors? Well then, Lewis & Clark Caverns may be just your speed! 

http://www.isu.edu/~semejenn/adventures/lewis.gif

Colorful stalactites, stalagmites, columns and even helectites greet the visitor, who may startle sleeping bats as they wend their way through the caverns.  Helictites grow in any direction, seemingly defying gravity, they often have a curving or angular form that looks as if they were grown in zero gravity. While multiple theories abound as to the enigma of helictite formation, they are most likely the result of capillary forces acting on tiny water droplets, a force often strong enough at this scale to defy gravity. Helictites are, perhaps, the most delicate of cave formations. They are usually made of needle-form calicte and aragonite. Timpanogos Cave National Monument in Utah has one of the largest collections of these formations in the world. Of special note in the caverns is the upgraded lighting that the park is installing to bring true-spectrum color to the rock formations, revealing not only their structure, but also their colorful beauty.

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3555/3610203107_f32f8856b0.jpg

The limestone caverns were discovered in 1892 by Dan A. Morrison and are named after the explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark since the cavern overlooks over 50 miles of the trail from the Lewis and Clark Expedition along the Jefferson River, although it is slightly misnamed as Lewis and Clark never actually saw the caverns. Located 19 miles west of Three Forks on Montana 2 or 15 miles east of Whitehall on Montana 2, guided tours of the Lewis & Clark Caverns are available from May 1-September 30. Plan to wear sturdy non-slip footwear as some sections may be slick with dripwater, be sure to bring a jacket (even in summer temperatures in caves remain a steady and cool 55 degrees - not to mention random dripping water from the ceiling!) and allow enough time to spend a minimum of 2 hours to hike the 2 mile route through the caverns. While most of the route is a gentle grade well-lit trail, it does have some stairs with handrails. One featured section that is especially entertaining for kids involves a short rock "slide" on one's backside through a tunnel. Not for the terribly claustrophobic, but definitely a highlight of the tour!

http://exploreall50.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/2_.jpg

Randomness - Photos from The Fair

I love the Fair! The many lights, the people-watching, the smells of fried foods, sweets, and my favorite cotton candy. The displays, the games, the rodeo, the buzz and hum of the people all combine for a visually spectacular (if sometimes over-stimulating) conglomeration. A few select shots for your viewing pleasure:
I shot LOTS of the Ferris Wheel, learning different shooting techniques from a friend.

The horticulture displays were intriguing. I liked the more unique flowers instead of just the traditional roses and gerbera daisies.

The carousel in motion was a spectacle of lights, motion and music.

A night at the rodeo: Rodeo Queens, Miss Montana, Broncs and Bulldoggin'!

I liked turning some of these shots into "old timey" photos. :)
 
Nothin' says "Cowboy Up" like leaping from a galloping horse onto a steer and wrastling him to the ground!

Lots of fun at the Fair - can't wait for next year!

A Dumb Chicken Sandwich

A Dumb Chicken Sandwich

I admire your patience... I'm working on mine.
Woes of customer service, aka First-World Problems.
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I have seriously low tolerance for stupidity. Which is a problem. Mostly because there are so many idiots running around out there.
Today yet another encounter with the "duh" factor - unsurprisingly in a fast-food establishment. (Yes, I know, I shouldn't be eating fast food at all, but I've been running around all day and before my 2nd job contemplating working another four hours running on just a cup of coffee simply wasn't appealing.)
Anyway, headed up to the menu, and I ordered a grilled chicken, no mayo, a frozen lemonade and a water. Relatively straight-forward. Especially for me. Particularly since I tend to be the queen of special orders. (Don't worry, I tip well!)  The kid comes back and asks me "Uh, what kind of sandwich did you want?"
"Chicken." I reply.
"Uh, we don't have chicken."
*Moment of stunned speechlessness as I eye the menu with a variety of chicken offerings including grilled, crispy, hot & spicy, chicken nuggets, chicken strips, etc...*
"You don't HAVE any chicken, is that what you're telling me? You are OUT of chicken?" I inquire incredulously.
"Uh, no, we don't have a chicken sandwich."
Long pause as I try to formulate a response to this statement. As far as I know, the main ingredient in chicken nuggets is still chicken. The main ingredient in chicken sandwiches is still chicken as well. Or at least in theory.
He must feel the awkward pause as I guppy-mouth and he queries "Uh, what kind of chicken sandwich did you say?"
"Grilled. A grilled chicken sandwich. Just a dumb grilled chicken."
Thinking to myself "You know, the little birds with feathers. Preferably not in the sandwich. The feathers, that is. Preferably a chicken sandwich WITH chicken."
THIS is what I was picturing:

As THIS (aka - what I wanted):
NOT THIS: <--An actual chicken in a sandwich.
There is a long pause. He contemplates the Universe. The species of edible bird we like to eat in sandwiches. Belly Button lint. The static on the microphone.

Finally, "A Hot & Spicy Chicken?" He queries.

"No. A GRILLED chicken sandwich." I say with only mildly gritted teeth.

I'm not joking you, he says to me, "We don't have a grilled chicken sandwich."

Reining in my temper, I say "Really? Because it's here on your menu, a Classic Grilled Chicken Sandwich...."

"Ohhhhhh," he replies, the light apparently finally getting a spark of electricity to flicker on, "A CLASSIC Grilled Chicken Sandwich."

"Yes," I agree, relieved, "and a frozen lemonade."

"Okay, a Classic Grilled Chicken and a frozen lemonade. Anything else?"

"And a water," I continue, "please." (Even when incredibly frustrated, it's always good to remember your manners.)

"Okay," he replies, "we'll have your total at the first window."

I pay, and pull up to the second window to receive my order (which I ASSUME having two windows must have been developed for some reason to expedite the "fast" part of fast food, but still it's annoying to me to have two windows. It seems completely unnecessary and irritating. Is that just me?)

The gal at the second window hands me a water and a bag and tells me in a bored voice to have a trademark "good day."

"My frozen lemonade?" I ask, as politely as I can muster.

"You didn't order a frozen lemonade." she says.

"Um, yes. Actually, I did." She eyes the receipt. "Says here it was cancelled."

I literally have a flash of a scenario of just asking her flat out if I can just PAY her for a frozen lemonade. Right there. In cash. At the forbidden second window. Purchase the lemonade that I wanted, didn't get, and now, APPARENTLY cannot have. This all flashes through my mind as she starts closing the window with a half-hearted "Sorry."

Instead, I just say "Thanks." with acidity and drive away. EPIC FAIL.

No chickens. Except that they DO have chicken. And I got a water (thank goodness for small blessings, eh?) but no lemonade. And I can't pay for a lemonade. At this point I don't even WANT a lemonade but it feels like I need to stand up for a bigger principle here. On behalf of all thirsty restaurant-goers everywhere. Who can't seem to make a very simple order clear to a teenager behind a glass window with a headset on. But I don't. I decide to corral my inner customer-service critic (having worked myself in a variety of customer-service positions and woefully bemoaning the society-wide demise of any competent help in ANY industry anywhere on Earth. )

You may think my saga ends here. But no. You would think that I had learned my lesson with the initial confusion over what a chicken sandwich was. But no. You would think in the moments of awed and  stunned disbelief at utter incompetence I might have checked my order.

When I opened up my bag... to my awe and irritation I have now paid for not only my desired grilled chicken - forgive me - CLASSIC grilled chicken, but also an unwanted Hot & Spicy chicken. Which I gave to a co-worker. Because I never wanted it. AND inadvertently paid for it. But at least it gave me the opportunity to be generous.

Worst of all... as I bit into my Classic grilled chicken, which against my explicit orders AND even while clearly on the receipt that shows the cancelled frozen lemonade - it was positively smothered in mayonnaise.

Please excuse me, I'll just be over here scraping my bun dry and drinking my water, strangely without ice, which I would've wanted. At least I'd have something to crush in my jaws in irritation.

STAY IN SCHOOL KID! You're gonna need it.
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Special thanks to: http://andpossiblyadd.blogspot.com/ for the "A Dumb Chicken" illustration
and to www.chick-fil-a.com for the chicken sandwich picture and www.edibleblog.com for the chicken in a sandwich picture. :)

Why Do Humans Pair-Bond Anyway?

Why Do Humans Pair-Bond Anyway?

Silvery marmoset & young

I've been contemplating pair bonding. In a variety of species, there is a distinct advantage to the parents, for at least part of the process, to be in pairs. Examples range far and wide through the animal kingdom. There are wolves that take turns hunting and regurgitating food for their pups, certain raptors who alternate sitting on their nest, or marmoset monkeys who prove to be such devoted dads that even other ovulating females won't impact their parenting skills and can't lure them away for a little monkey business. Instead, they stay to attend their young, not even showing a tell-tale increase in testosterone levels indicating arousal. We've all heard about the trumpeter swans mated for life, though bald eagles, albatrosses & turtle doves (practically symbolic of couples - engendering the term being "lovey-dovey!") engage in the same behavior, and even French angelfish will form a bond that means you won't find them swimming solo. Several rodent species such as the prairie vole and the deer mouse will groom and care for each other and their young pups.

While some animals mate for life, some will mate for only a season, and others spend only a short period of time as a couple, but both may take responsibility for dual parenting.

Still, while there are some species that both care for their young, yet others developed entirely different circumstances - such as the male seahorses who will carry the eggs of their young, the male Emperor penguin who stands in the cold, dark, Antarctic winter keeping the egg warm while the females make the long trek to the sea to feed the newly-hatched chicks. In this case, the heftiest males are the most desirable partners, as the skinnier males will be unable to maintain the long vigil until the females return.

And there's the unusual insect known as the giant waterbug who has the couple's eggs glued onto his back by the female, as do several varieties of frogs that keep their froglets close carrying them either in their mouths, or transporting them about piggy-back (or should we say froggy-back!)

Siamese Fighting fish swallow up the eggs and deposit into their nests, even guarding their young afterwards, and a species of carnivorous river fish, the Stickleback, find themselves in a predicament as their favorite delicacy is eating other Sticklebacks' eggs. Therefore, the primary duty of the males after building their nests (sealing them together with kidney secretions, of all things!) is to defend their own eggs from the hungry mouths of others and after the young hatch he will gather them in his mouth and spit them back into the nest for safekeeping. (Talk about protective parenting!)

Emus, Spotted Sandpipers & Rheas all get hi-fives (hi-feathers?) for stay-at-home daddy skills, as after laying eggs in the nests, the females will wander off to mate with another male, leaving pops to be a single dad and raise the chicks solo. There are even catfish fathers that will keep their eggs in their mouths, abstaining from eating until his young are born and able to swim out of his mouth.

Working in pairs, or even alternating the responsibilities of nurturing the next generations of offspring, seems to be biologically advantageous. After all, with both parents caring for the young, the responsibility is lessened, the opportunity for foraging, the passing on of skills from hunting to hiding can be learned, and the likelihood of a large majority of the young surviving would seem to be increased. Indeed, for some creatures, the efforts of both parents is required in order for the young to thrive. But this isn't an absolute rule of parenting and single-parent raising of the young is more prevalent than not.

To point, there is also the relative anonymity of spawning fish, or turtles, who leave their eggs in nests in the sand for the young to make their way entirely on their own. There are many insects, mammals, fish and amphibians will never even see their parents in their lifetimes, but there are obvious exceptions to the rule for each of these critters (as evidenced in the preceding paragraphs.)

So since it's not the absolute rule, then what is the main advantage to pair-bonding anyway?

Of course with human beings it's always nice to have someone else to open a stuck jar lid, to scratch that place that itches between your shoulder blades, and handle their portion of the bills. But why, in a genetically predisposed imperative to spread your DNA far and wide, do we humans place such importance on being in a couple, and in most cases (with few exceptions of polygamy and polyandry), humans across all cultures, races and locations will form pair-bonds. (Herein leaving a wide berth around the complex and moral ramifications of monogamy to another article...)

Pair-bonding, dual parenting, or single-parenting - with so many options in evidence in our world, what precisely is the foundation of our biological, social and emotionally-based imperative to form a pair-bond?

And if the raising and nurturing of young is removed from the equation entirely, then wouldn't the primary factor encouraging this couple-forming behavior be undermined?

Thought of the day (not mine!)

Sesquipedalianism is the verbal shield of pusillanimous eremites, hence we must eschew esoteric obfuscation and thereby obviate our opprobrium.

 

 

Translation:

 

Sesquipedanlianism - given to using long words.

Pusillanimous - cowardly, faint-hearted, timid

Eremites - recluses or hermits

Eschew - abstain, shun, avoid

Esoteric - private, secret, confidential

Obfuscation - to confuse, bewilder or stupify

Obviate - to anticipate and prevent or eliminate difficulties/disadvantages

Opprobium - the disgrace or reproach incurred by conduct considered outrageously shameful

Glimpses from the Past - Christmassy Letter 2005

Hello friends!

If it seems as though I fell into a black hole of no e-mail-ville there for a while, it was because I did! 

 

The biggest change that happened (as some of you may know) is that Sebien, my horse, broke her navicular bone sometime in July and I was told that she would have a year off with a guarded prognosis for her recovery.  After a few weeks of tears, some very deliberate scale-weighing and a lot of long discussions with my Mom, my trainer and the stallion owner, my decision was made to breed her for a foal next year from a warmblood (Oldenburg) stallion.  He's a dressage stallion out at the barn where she is boarded, and I'm hoping for a beautiful baby BOY for next August.

 

Sebien, however, is recovering marvelously, and the vet wants to x-ray her again in a few months to see how her break is coming along.  She is racing around her paddock with her pasture-mate completely (apparently) sound, so I'm hoping for the very best!  Any positive thoughts sent our way would be greatly appreciated! 

 

After pouting about the whole state of affairs for a few months, and then getting over the jitters about getting back into it, I finally rode the other day and LOVED it.  So I'm back on board with taking lessons and taking life in stride.  I am also (as of August) now the proud owner of a 3/4 ton pickup truck!! (Most of you probably know that I rode my bike for six months after crashing my car last March... I LOVE DRIVING!!!) 

 

In the midst of the hubbub, I was also relocated to the mall. So there's been a whirlwind of change in my life recently, and I'm hoping for only positive change going forward!!!

 

In other fun news, I'll be the announcer at the Equestrian Team show again this year at the Nov. 12 and 13th show.  I'm looking forward to that as I have a great time and I get to sit by the heaters while I talk over the mike!  (Great incentive right there!)  I actually got paid to announce at the Fair this summer - that was my first "professional" gig, and I hope to get a recommendation to do more shows in the future!  What better way to spend a day off than to get paid to sit and talk about horses? :0)

 

The onslaught of winter has begun with our first "real" snowfall this week.  (When I have to scrape my windshield, I say it's become the first day of winter, Dec 21st or not! *lol*)  Fortunately, my dog adores winter and will scarcely come inside at night, and my sweet horse has a brand new blanket to keep her warm and cozy.  Only Shadow cat dislikes it, but she serves as my lapwarmer and has taken up trying to crawl INSIDE my jacket to keep warm. *chuckle* 

 

I had the wonderful fortune to have my family visit several times this summer - my Mom and her husband in July, and most recently, my Dad and his girlfriend along with my brother and my 92 year old grandmother came up for Halloween!  We had a smaller party this year - only about 30 or so people instead of probably about 70+ last year!  We didn't even finish off the keg!  But it was a lot of fun to have them stay here!  I was invited to three other parties that night though I barely stayed awake throughout my own party!  (I'm gettting old!!!)

 

 Below are pictures of the stallion, Vergil. He's an Oldenburg.
 

As the mall is having (forcing) extended holiday hours I may not get to writing Christmas cards this year! Therefore, I am taking an evening to write a newsy letter in the hopes that this rudeness of mass e-mailing and the quite possible lack of Christmas greeting cards will be somewhat abated by the news I'll be writing out herein.  And if all works as it should, the possible attachment of several photos as well. (grin)