Inspiration from Yoga, Day 1 - Self-acceptance

Self-acceptance is a tough nut

Disclaimer: So I have tried to find humorous stories, or writing and poetry bits and so forth to post on my blog thus far. I literally have a draft email saved that is chock-full of ideas that I have not yet had time to flesh out. But something personal has been digging at me like a thorn in my side. So if you aren't for "personal" posts, best move along. And if you are, tighten your seatbelt, because here we go.

Lately I've been on quite the emotional roller coaster ride. Multiple family dramas and several serious medical issues, personal financial imbroglios, struggling with my chronic insomnia, going through a killer stress-related migraine, my lingering back pain flaring up from an auto accident 3 years ago, a bout with an intense self-esteem crash- the works... and with it has come a feeling of unsettling, of insecurity, and of deprecation of my sense of self-worth. My emotional reserves are drained, and my inherent self-criticism and perfectionist streak brought out their teeth and claws to tear me to straggly bits.

I read a quote somewhere to the effect that humans are the only animal capable of logically knowing what is good for them and still not doing it. I KNOW what makes me feel better, and yet somehow the pile of work waiting for me, or the alluring call of emails waiting to be read, or any number of other mundane tasks take up my time and instead of doing what fulfills me, I work at the computer until late, fall into bed to toss and turn, fitfully sleeping a few hours and rising, exhausted, to do it again, leaving my cup empty and nothing having refilled it.

So in the effort to engage in self care and to do things for myself that build me up and renew my emotional fortitude, last night I committed myself to once again taking up the 21-Day Yoga Challenge (which I've done before and I always feel amazing following doing it consistently!) I unrolled my yoga mat (purple, my favorite!) stepped on it, delighting in that slightly tacky feel and velcro-like sound as I positioned myself into Mountain Pose, hands pressed together in prayer position at my heart center. Instantly I started feeling the tension draining away through my toes in contact with the sticky mat. The deep calming breathing, methodically and gracefully moving through the poses that challenge me, yet center me. All other thoughts are pushed aside as I feel my body adapt in small changes to my balance, my muscles working together, my feet grounded into the floor below, my eyes stretching upwards, working within the limits of what my body can do. I find that if I let my thoughts wander from the present, even for a moment, that precarious balance is lost. Inherently, I am corrected by my own inner self back to a place of calmness, peaceful concentration and attunement to my body.

At the end of the practice, the instructor on the DVD asks you to complete the practice in the typical way - to lie down and rest in Savasana pose (also called Reclined Mountain, Relaxation Pose, or Corpse Pose depending on the instructor) and to really be present. To let all the tension go, relaxing each portion of your body, letting all the tightness melt away. He said to think of something you want to bring into your life. And to ASK for it. Immediately my thought was "self-acceptance."

I have been struggling with body image and feeling confident in my body since I was a teen. I am usually fairly active between all of my interests: horses, martial arts, yoga, bike riding, dog walks, etc... plus I took up running in my later-20's, I am renewing my status as a "gym bunny" (but with less cottontail, and certainly not in a matching outfit, sock, shoelaces, leggings, tank top and hairband... that's NOT me!) But there have been times in my life where I was more "sedentary" (aka in work-a-holic mode) and in a state of stressful unhappiness that resulted in me gaining weight.

I know about all the talk about loving yourself - the cliche that says you have to love yourself before you can love others. I know about society's pressure to be young, tan and beautiful (and with white teeth - however, I freely admit my obsession with my teeth... a LOT of money has gone into this mouth and I'm kinda obsessed with keeping them nice after braces, retainers, a Herbst appliance to pull my jaw forward, many visits with dentists and orthodontists, etc...etc...etc... So yes, I admit to being touchy about keeping my teeth nice.) I know about self-acceptance and that my self-worth is more than a number on a scale or a reflection in a mirror, I am MORE than a bustline, or the pants size I wear and my value is not based on the external but the internal. Intellectually, I understand all of that. After all, I was a Women's Studies major and wrote my senior thesis for the Honors College on the media and its effects on body image and self-esteem.

Also, in a much more personal circumstance which I am just now learning to open up and talk about, I've been through two different types of eating disorders, and watched my weight change and body shape form and re-form. I understand the struggle to lose weight, and I also understand having my own self-control because only I decide what actually goes into my mouth, regardless of whatever excuses I could make as to why I was making the food choices that I was at each point in my life - for good or for ill. I set a goal and I changed my life and I've been slowly seeing my clothing sizes change along with my body. It's been hard work, I haven't always been able to even talk about weight issues - including within my own family. My husband is my VERY best supporter and never comments on my weight, only offers unending love and support, and cooks me my turkey bacon, just the way I like it, on paper towels to absorb the grease. And although on some level I understand that with my current clothing sizes that I am NOT at all overweight, it is hard for me to see in myself what others see in me. For the first time in my life, I am working with a personal trainer, and honestly it's the best money I've ever spent. (Although the meeting with the head trainer telling me, in essence, that I should lose 10 lbs over the course of the training program I admit to a total self-esteem crash and I went home and cried!) But my individual trainer is very supportive, even if I feel as though I constantly disappoint her, she is amazing. She works around my injuries and tailors the workouts to my needs and abilities while constantly pushing me to do more than I ever thought possible. She never criticizes, and with her I have become such a more well-rounded person (Literally! HELLO BICEPS!)

Even with my hours of martial arts, horses and all the activity that goes along with them, running races (including my first half-marathon last summer) and me thinking that I'm doing enough with lifting weights on my own, I won't work so hard, nor so thoroughly or effectively as with my trainer. The numbers are changing. People are commenting how I look. I try to be polite and thank them and smile without seeming fake or insincere, or worse, arrogant or conceited in any way. I realize they are giving me a compliment and I try to accept it graciously.

But when I look in the mirror all I see are my flaws. I see the tired, sleep-deprived eyes, the newly-found bits of cellulite under my aging skin, the thighs that I feel terribly self-conscious about, the tracery of wrinkles forming at the edges of my eyes, and my roots with the gray hairs gleaming like unwanted treasures, shot through with silver. I have come to realize that I don't see what other people see (called dysmorphia) wherein my body image of myself is completely different than what my appearance actually is. (Not clinically diagnosed, mind you.)

Several times I've had flashes of maybe what others see when they look at me. On a shopping trip with a supportive female friend who is aware of my issues, helping me pick out correct clothing sizes (I always seem to get too big if I don't have help) and I will find an outfit that is particularly flattering and think for a little while that I look nice in it. I realize my other attributes: I'm fairly smart, I can oftentimes be witty, I have a contagious laugh (even my husband has gotten over being embarrassed by its exuberant boisterousness!) and I am typically a fairly positive person. So it's not as though I find all parts of me to be lacking.

Or sometimes I'll see a picture of me and think - hey, that one's not too bad, I look sorta fit! Or I'm finally not embarrassed about how my arms look in all of my pictures. (My thighs I'm working on still, that's a hard one.) But usually this intense loathing and self-criticism is right at the forefront and I can't see through it or past it. I am being healthy, I am eating well, drinking protein shakes, most times fending off my sweet tooth and cravings for ice cream (the bane of my existence!) and making good choices. But for people who don't understand and just brush off when I say that I am struggling with it, or think that I'm just being vain (except about my teeth...because I will concede to that one), they don't understand. I'm not attention-seeking, I'm not digging for compliments, I am genuinely trying to find a way to be happy with who I am. And I am struggling.

So when that gong sounded in my mind during yoga that what I wanted most in my practice was to find self-acceptance, it really reverberated within me. I want to release my jealousy of all the other people that I see that I find so much more fit, trim, run faster, kick higher, and look better in a string bikini than I do. I want to continue to work hard, but within the boundaries of what is possible for my body. I'll never be a 6" tall ballerina with twigs for legs. I have strong, muscular horse-riding, board-breaking, racing and bike riding legs. But to feel at home within my skin, and maybe one day see the ME inside and be happy with the face looking back at me from my mirror. It is my personal quest for self-acceptance.

Veldorex

Veldorex was hungry. Not physically, for she had glutted herself on several sheep the night previous.  She liked sheep when she did not feel the need to challenge herself in obtaining a meal.  Too stupid to flee, they stood frozen, bleating pitifully. And cruched deliciously.  Gliding through the night, she was invisible to human eyes, a quick shadow against the stars, sweeping undetected upon their flocks.

No, this was not physical hunger, but a bodily craving, a thousand times stronger, deeper, and infinitely more dangerous.  Her gold eyes narrowed. It was nearly her time, and she must find a male.  Extremely territorial, dragons would run off or even kill another dragon that invaded their territory. Or be killed.  The only time they tolerated another was during breeding, and not for long, even then. For dragons, by necessity and choice must return to their territories to retain them, or ofttimes, reclaim them.

Veldorex had long since given up on seeking human males for sating her desire while in her human form - though that body desired it, her draconic form knew the intensity of dragon-mating and nothing else would compare.

Her tail twitched angrily, scattering coin about her in a shimmering shower. She loved gold; it reflected her eyes and cast deep glints into her metallic black scale. Only in the light, though, and she was a lady of the night, and did not allow even the luminescent fungus to grow in her cave, scorching it when it glowed too brightly.

Of late, however, she had been distracted, and it had crept back, season after season, edging its way along cracks in the walls, across the ceiling, her cave veined with greenish light as though alive. 

She felt it coming, building inside her, burning inside her, until it screamed for release - that primal call that she could not ignore.

The tip of her tail flicked from side to side anxiously, the clinking of coins beneath her, heated by her internal fire, soothing to her underbelly.  Twin curls of smoke curled lazily from out of her nostrils as she brooded.

Veldorex transformed with a thought, black scales sliding into raven locks that swung nearly to her ankles, her pale white skin set into a streamlined gown of black velvet that clung to her curves of her body as close as skin. A circlet of gold set with black-as-night gems rested on her brow, long lashes blinked over golden eyes.  She was on the hunt.

*   *   *

I thought of you today.......

I thought of you today,

A little thing,

It made me smile.

The way you touched my hand

In the morning, in the soft light from the window

Half-asleep, you smile and close your eyes,

So close to me, your face

Nuzzled next to mine while

We slept, our breathing matching,

Two breaths come as one

While outside the spring snowflakes fell.

What Autumn Means To Me

What Autumn means to normal people:

Halloween decorating
Harvesting the garden
Digging out sweaters and tall boots
Pumpkin-spice flavored everything!
The appearance of those cinnamon-scented pinecones in the entrance to every store
Re-finding all your boots, gloves, scarves, hats and mittens
Digging through jackets to see if you left any money in pocket somewhere (LOVE THIS!)
Discussing snow depths and potential ski-hill conditions
Winterizing

What Autumn means to me: All of the above PLUS:

Being strangely sad putting away all my tanktops and summer clothes (except workout tops)
Packing up the hammock and stand for the winter (sigh!)
NO FLIES AT THE BARN!!!! (Oh goodness me, YES!!!! The ONLY real huge benefit to winter riding, well, besides mares going anestrous - yay!)
Getting out the horse blankets with that summer-aged horse musk that accompanies all but new blankets
Tall winter riding boots - cozy!
Fluffy horse coats
Waiting for those first snowflakes that always make me into a giddy child all over again
Being somehow excited to decorate the Christmas tree - only a few more months away!
Starting Xmas shopping and/or idea lists for Xmas shopping
Finding excuses to eat fat-laden stew and butter-covered bread or other heavy foods "to prepare for winter"
Post-food guilt promising self to not follow Scandinavian genetic imperative to put on "layer of winterizing blubber" this year
Making hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows for every occasion... like surviving Wednesdays
Extra cinnamon in my hot cider
Fluffy socks & taking a running sliding leap across the kitchen in them whenever possible

Unicorns Farting Rainbows

The Power of a Positive Mental Attitude (and my take on it)

 

I've been thinking a lot about positive mental attitudes... I'm prone to depression sometimes too, as I think all of us are, but I'm trying to figure out good ways to deal with it constructively.

So I was ruminating on positive mental attitudes.

I was particularly thinking about the 1970s Ohio University study I read about where rabbits were being fed a high-cholesterol diet. But one group was the student's favorite and he took only those rabbits out every day, talked to them and petted them before he fed them. All the rest of the rabbit groups were suffering from obesity and heart-disease, etc... what you might expect from such a diet. But this group of rabbits, the only ones getting love and attention, were showing a 60% intolerance to the diet based on the nurturing received. Repeated studies creating the same situation showed similar results.

We all need more positivity. I've read in several different places that humans need 10 positive touches a day. Hugs, warm handshakes, pats on the back - that affirming, connecting contact that human beings need and crave on a deep level. (Yes, even YOU!)

So what does the power of touch have to do with being positive? As a touch-leery person myself, I'm not about to go around patting people's shoulders at random. (Though when I like you, I'll touch you often in little ways of being affectionate, I've found.)


I think that YOU choose your outlook on life. For example, I'm trying to only phrase the positive. (I slip sometimes, but, I am TRYING.)


So someone typed to me, "Oh, I hate grey rainy days and I just woke up grumpy and people are so annoying..."

And I started to reply  "Yeah, it's only Weds."

But I changed it to be positive and said, "It's already Weds, so only 2 more days until the weekend! YAY!"

So I think it's a matter of perspective, ya know?

I guess the universe has been giving me lessons in gratitude, and so far I'm reaping the rewards of being a happier person by (generally) being surrounded by happier people. Even some of the most "Debbie Downers" and "Doom and Gloomers" are coming around from being "flooded" by my positive comments. Yep, sometimes I just puke rainbow glitter all over people. That's my method of coping with their negativity.

Have you ever noticed that some people have that "ray of sunshine" effect? They walk in the room and everyone brightens up? I'm trying to be that person. I'm trying to affect positive change in my universe and put on my rose-colored glasses. Why not? Will it hurt anyone if I'm a Pollyanna and hope for the best for everyone? Probably not! In fact, it will probably HELP!

There are so many negative outside influences that bring us down, the news is all about war, disease and disaster, people talk about their problems and the bad things in their lives. I fall prey to this negative mentality as well. There are always more bills, cars always need maintenance, and the saying goes "If it has tires or testicles, you're gonna have problems with it." (Sorry guys, not sexist, just how the saying goes.) So we've got this dark cloud hanging over us and all the media we see reinforces it, our complaining friends complain and we complain back... but when do we get the feel-good positive feedback? When do we get the pats on the back? When do we get the unicorns farting rainbows?

Well, a couple thing that I do: I have a warm/fuzzy folder in my e-mail. When I get something that makes me laugh, or touches me, or when someone says something nice about me, then I put it in that folder and if I'm feeling particularly blue, I look through it. It's amazing how just reading a few e-mails that say "Great job!" "I'm proud of you," or "I love you" can make a difference, you know?

It's like, well, if that many people love me and care about me, my life can't be that bad...

Also, I have certain songs that ALWAYS get me jacked up. I can't help it. If I'm mad or sad or just out-of-sorts I hit these playlists and pretty soon I'm singing along and tapping my feet and can't hardly sit in my chair.

Another trick I use to change my perspective is that I LOVE to get up and move. I'm really good at self-rewards for work completed. So if I'm doing something terribly boring and monotonous, I'll set a limit, like ok, I gotta work for another hour, then I can run upstairs and get a cup of tea, or chew a piece of gum, or check my e-mail or just go outside for a few minutes.  With little goals to work towards it keeps me focused and then happier to have five minutes to run the stairs to get my heart going and have a little treat of some nice tea or some Vit D throwing a toy for the dog or whatnot.

I commit a random driving act of kindness a day. I try to give a stranger a compliment, or to do something nice for another, particularly if I can do it anonymously. Doesn't have to be a million dollar donation to a performing arts center, it can be as innocent as cleaning a communal bathroom without being asked, putting change in someone's parking meter, or letting someone in front of you in the shopping line who has fewer things to purchase than you do.

Things like that.  Now, I'm not perfect, but those are some of the things I do to get myself out of my funk. I try to find something to be grateful for. Sometimes I'm so deep in this negative spiral that I have to go for the big things... like "Hey! I woke up on this side of the grass this morning! I'm glad I'm alive. I'm glad I can see. I'm glad I can run and walk and lift and ride horses, and do martial arts and all the friends in my life and people who care about me!"  See, it just expands from there!

I'm babbling, but that's ok. It's just a stream-of-consciousness outpouring, but maybe you can glean some bits.

With all my best, and I mean it!!!

-Sirens Echo

A Poem To My Husband......

You laugh at
my late night forays
for a bowl of raisin bran
and my delighted crunching,
at me hiding
from the morning
underneath my pillow,
knowing if I sing
in the shower
I am happy
and it will be a good day.
And if I'm not, to start
the coffee percolating.
Chuckling to yourself
when I am clumsy
or shy
you love me despite
my shortcomings
that I see
glaring from my silvered reflection
and kiss my tears away
when the pain of all the hardness
of living gets me down.
You hold my soul, tenderly
safe inside the strong warmth
of your hands
and though you tease
there is always unspoken love
behind your voice.
You believe more adamantly in me
than I have ever hoped for myself;
you think me stronger than I have
ever thought I could be.
You kiss me good morning
despite my dragon breath
and Medusa hair,
brushing it away from
my sleepy eyes
you love me best
-I think-
when I am at my worst
mussed and tumbled
in the sheets
and forever I will hold
closest inside my memories
the morning I woke to find
you staring down at me
watching me softly
while I was sleeping
and embarrassed I tried
to hide away, but inside
my heart trilled
"this is love!"
I feel at home
inside your arms
in the way that no
four walls could ever
make a building
into the home I have
when I am with you
and am so barren -
a hollow void without.
You watch with an
amused smile as I
leap headlong
into projects twice my size
and stand behind
every scheme I somehow
manage to conjure.
When I fall, when I crash,
a spectacular spiral
out of control,
blazing inferno,
desperate deluge,
you quietly help me
back to my feet
with words of
encouragement,
wise and firm.
Every day you ask,
then wait
to hear what words
I have to speak
not shutting me out
but listening
never tiring of me when
all the world has told me
again and again
to be quiet.
But you want all of it:
the cynicism,
the humor,
the gossip,
the anger,
the laughter,
the rainstorms
that come and go
and somehow leave
me in sunshine again
in their wake. And for
all of this, a kiss goodbye
every morning is your fee,
a small toll I must pay for
a greeting at the door each
night as I arrive, bedraggled,
carrying the weight of
everyone's everything
hunching my shoulders
and dimming my light
yet somehow inside your
embrace it slides away
troubles forgotten
melting as snowflakes
in July sunshine
and home becomes
wherever you are.
When you let me slide
my frigid toes underneath your legs,
protesting half-heartedly, but settling
over them like an Emperor
penguin guarding his egg,
when you squeeze over so I can
slip in beside you on the couch,
tucking me under the blankets,
the steaming cup of coffee
just the way I like it though,
mischievously, after you turn my shower
to freezing cold, you hand to me
along with a towel, unless you've
chosen to hide them all!
The moments when we
laugh at a joke secretly
contained only between us,
when every chore is
made into a game,
pushing me on the cart
through the aisles,
and rocking out while
cleaning house, singing
our hearts out. On date
night, when you have this
look you cast over me
and I suddenly feel as though no
woman on earth could
be more beautiful than
you find me to be,
when your hand reaches
for mine on a long drive home,
holding pinkies,
and when you chide me
for singing your part in our
duets, when you fight for
me against the world
and run your fingertips
along the edges
of my fingernails,
when your blue eyes look through
the mask I've painted on to the rest
of the world, though yours strip me bare -
all of me revealed, inside of the
unconditional acceptance
that shines from them
I think I cannot possibly
love you any more than I do.

More musings

August in Montana

The wind brings a scent of rain and of fire,

an incongruous mix borne from the west,

that paints the sky brilliant as the fuchsia sun sets.

Gray coats the mountains and sifts through the pines,

a tangible flavor of wood smoke and autumn

in the smell as it lingers in canyon valley bottoms.

Summer is leaving, and with her the warmth,

the grasses are turning their green stems to gold,

the fire devours all down red maw and throat.

The wind brings the message that fire has come

Now chill autumn is here and sweet summer is done.

-----------------

Montana Rail Link

Iron thunder rumbles down the track

as the trains come rushing by.

The cottonwoods bend their branches

in the wind of their passing.

Coal, logs and lumber

all headed east or west,

the movement of economy,

the progress of technology.

The horns sound out a Doppler-style farewell.

------------------------

Today the sky a water-brushed blue,

Changing leaves whisper in frost-tinted breezes

Each breath of summer seems as though the last.

-------------------------

Sunrise

Glow of pink racing me 

over the east horizon

mile by mile I drive

and the white lines 

mark my passing.

---------------------------

9/18

She's changing,

that cottonwood out front

with her toes nestled in the autumn grass,

with her green hair turning to gold.

She listens to the wind,

and drops her leaves like gifts at our feet,

blowing across the sidewalk,

catching in the corners of the building

as she sings the song of winter coming,

the color draining,

the stillness of her blood a golden amber.

-----------------------

The mountains sit

holding the clouds close 

like white fleecy shawls

wrapped around their broad shoulders

against the morning's chill.

The frost traces the 

brittle spears of grass

and my breath colors the air 

in shades of gray

but fades away as the clouds 

with the coming of the day.

-----------------------------

I am a Voyager into the Unknown

The suds swirl

like a spiral galaxy

counter-clockwise

in my shower drain.

Echoes of the

Brandonberg Concertos

resound in my head

as I watch the water

lapping back at my toes.

Time to call a plumber

 -------------

Crystal dust shimmers down

As the morning sky lightens

To a shade of paler hue.

Dancing motes of diamond

In a breath of December air.