Journey toward Acceptance - Victories!

Hello my darling blog-o-philes!

Last night I experienced two personal breakthroughs in my journey towards self-acceptance. As previously written, I have struggled with body image and self esteem for the majority of my life, and am in a constant battle between working hard to achieve my goals and also having the kindness toward myself to accept where I am.

Let's rewind the tape a bit to last summer. My dear friend Camille and I went shopping at Old Navy (uh oh, does name-dropping constitute product placement?) She is aware of my self-perception issues and kindly volunteered several times now to accompany me on shopping trips to help me pick appropriate sizes as I tend to buy much larger than I really should be wearing because I can't believe that is really my size, or I feel my clothes are too tight on my thighs or rear-end or whatnot. So she was along as I was in dire need of some workout apparel that actually fit me that I wouldn't have to tug up after every couple of reps. (Let's be clear, by this I'm meaning tugging on my shorts/capris - I'm NOT in the habit of flashing the gym tugging up my top every few reps.)

So looking through the clearance racks, there was an adorable little tiny pair of what I call "booty shorts" - you know the kind that skinny, fit little teenaged high school volleyball players wear? Those spandex Daisy Dukes? I longingly looked at them and mentioned that I wish I had to courage to one day wear them at the gym.... if only I could have that much self esteem and be proud to have THAT MUCH of myself hanging out there in the public viewshed without being self-conscious. To have confidence!

Well, my friends, I ended up purchasing said pair of clearance booty shorts, but to date they have only been utilized as back-up protection under skirts in case of Marilyn-Monroe-esque wind bursts or as pj bottoms in the privacy and solitude of my bedroom out of the inquiring eyes of John Q. Public. I also bought a darling string bikini, but other than a quick dash out of the dressing room to show Camille, I have had that hidden away (tags STILL ON!) for the last... oh.... 7 months, give or take a few.

Last night I wore both. At the gym. In public.

After accomplishing my FIRST New Year's Resolution to not gain weight over the holidays (thankfully a brush with every plague known to mankind - save possibly polio and ebola - having struck me over the holidays helped substantially curb my appetite as just becoming and remaining vertical was challenge enough. The 12 stairs from the basement completely annihilated all breathing capability, despite the fact that I routinely run at least a 5k or so distance....) So if there was ever a suitable time, one day post-holiday successful weigh-in, the time was now.

I did it. I wore my booty shorts. *GULP!*

I wish that I could say that I felt confident, comfortable, and (dare I say it?) even sexy... but we're not quite there yet. I even took a picture in the mirror to send to Camille to prove that I was wearing them (not that she would've doubted me, but just to show I was, in fact, IN them, in public.) However, I'm pretty sure I spent most of the 16 minutes I was on the stationary bike pulling those little shorts down, and wondering if the guy jogging on the treadmill behind me was marveling at the pure expansive whiteness of my exceedingly exposed thighs. (It's really a shame tanning is SO bad for you!)

Having accomplished step one, albeit with a little shaky hands, it was time to undertake step 2. Bikini, baby. I sort of wish that I had a complete revelation and was entirely self-assured while stepping out of that changing room in my tiny bikini (did it SHRINK due to non-useage??? I swear there couldn't have been this little material when I bought it, was there!?) I successfully swam my 45 minutes of laps, soaked in the hot tub, and even carried on a conversation with others around me while clad in what felt like nothing more than shreds of diaphanous webbing. Mission accomplished.

To be comfortable in my own skin, to be self-assured (not arrogant, mind you!) and to feel proud of my body is a work in progress, and these are baby steps to accomplishing that goal.

I'm currently starting out with an 11 week fitness challenge at work, and took a "before" shots of front and side views so that I can compare to the future "after" shots. My overriding goal isn't losing weight, but committing to working out a consistent 3 hours a week and just noting the changes that occur over these next 11 weeks will be interesting to document. Cheers!