Movie Review - The Lone Ranger

*Cue music, galloping hooves soundtrack, prepare the marinara for the SPAGHETTI WESTERN!*

Okay, okay, I admit it. I'm wholly and thoroughly a Johnny Depp fan. I would watch pretty much any movie (yes, perhaps even a horror film, not just a thriller, but perhaps even a horror) in which he was cast. I even suffered through the abysmal Dark Shadows which even Michelle Pfeiffer's efforts failed to save. All because of Johnny. I love listening to the timbre of his voice, I like his face, even with too much black eyeliner on, and I enjoy the quirky "Johnny-ness" that he brings to every role, and I appreciate how a subtle reaction, such as an eyebrow twitch will convey more than another actor's entire glut of facial expressions. (*Ahem! Kristen Stewart, ahem!*) Forgive me, I misspoke. Singular. Facial EXPRESSION, in her case. But more on my hatred of her later.

So it was with an eager eye and an keen interest that I ventured into "The Lone Ranger", purposefully avoiding as many critiques as possibly prior to attending a matinee. While the eye candy was notably good, the plot, most assuredly, was not. While I appreciated the fact that they added in a lot more back story and some justification for Tonto's relatively bizarre behavior, the chemistry between Depp and Armie Hammer as the lead was forced, at best, and ludicrous at worst. In fact, Tonto far outshone our Lone Ranger in every aspect save height. (Prior to this movie, did anyone else really notice how short Johnny Depp really is?)

As an equestrian myself, my eye was invariably drawn to the horrendous heavy-handed riding of the "cowboy" actors, (and their poor horses throwing their heads up and gaping at their mouths causing me to forcibly wince at their obvious discomfort) though on the reverse, so too did I note several of the "noble savage" extras galloping across varied terrain bareback. (But not always - look closely!) However, there were some spectacular stunt-falls from both riders and trained horses. While having some horse knowledge is a bit dangerous to the critical viewer, I also noticed when a substitute horse model was put in the shot to "mimic" the action of a galloping horse, and also when they changed horses (though while both were white Thoroughbreds, they look different and caught my eye each time they changed. Hint, the eyes have it...)

While the indisputable highlight for my inlaws was the famous William Tell Overture being blasted through the epic overland chase/speeding train/hand-to-hand combat scene,  my willing suspension of disbelief was de-railed (pun intended) by the choice (echoes of Mask of Zorro 2 here....) to have our hero GALLOP HIS HORSE AND LEAP ONTO A SPEEDING TRAIN, JUMPING FROM CAR TO CAR. Oh please. When will directors stop using this unbelievable screen gimmick of having horses racing atop speeding trains?

Similarly, in Pirates of the Caribbean when Johnny is sword-fighting atop a detached and rolling waterwheel crashing through the jungle, the gag went too far. And so too did the last shred of potential credibility. However, I still enjoyed some of the movie, yes, notably the eye candy. Though the running gag of feeding the crow got quite old after about the fifth shot.  Oh... spoiler alert. Well, not really.

In summation: Pros: eye candy (male humans and horses - odd choice for the lead female role though?!), gorgeous and starkly beautiful desert scenery shot around my new digs, additional back story was a nice touch, and there were quite a few funny parts. Mostly voiced by my pal Johnny.

Cons: Pass the cheese-whiz! The level of corny humor, over-the-top gags and too-predictable plot line made this less a popcorn muncher than a ho-hummer. Some of Johnny's ... er... Tonto's... best lines come at the expense of the "trademark" Lone Ranger, but not enough new material to counteract the "called it!" moments that are peppered throughout the script. Also, if I were Native American, I'd probably be pretty dang offended. Particularly since Johnny Depp usually takes roles that defy stereotypes. (See Dead Man?) Not sure what's up with that whole bit... 

Overall review - If you're a die-hard Johnny Depp fan, go see the matinee, but take a salt shaker with you - you're going to need it. Better yet, Netflix it with friends, make a heap of popcorn and do a Mystery Science Theater 3000-style and make fun of it. Except the funny lines Johnny Depp has. Don't talk through those.

Want more of my movie reviews? Check out:    For more on my hatred of Kristen Stewart and if there were an Anti-Twilight League I would be its Empress. (President sounds too mundane for such an important position.)